To the land of dreams

Have you ever felt that desperate need to talk about nothing??..to go from topic to topic and say a thousand different words unrelated to each other without being criticized??? To start talking and stop in the middle of a topic and start another one...to forget all grammar rules and all sentence compositions and just talk...talk with passion and feel that somebody is listening and -what is important- is understanding and is happy to hear your meaningless words???

I'm a talker actually..and by talker I mean that I can start a 100 topics and talk about them until somebody stops me.. this causes headache to people sometimes actually but this is not the type of talking I'm describing tonight... ...It's weird that -lately- I always feel that emptiness in myself while talking....I feel nothing...not sad...not happy..not amused..not bored...I feel empty...so empty and I'm never used to that feeling... maybe because I always used to talk with a strong passion and to always express myself..but I now wonder, how can I express that emptiness in me...

The hardest feeling a human can have is to feel like he is loosing himself in his path to gain something...he starts to struggle in life and do everything he has to do and suddenly find that he is doing things he had to do and forget in his way all things that he love to do...all his old plans and his dreams that he used to draw and paint in his mind everyday...he finds suddenly that he became the perfect machine in a world of other machines telling him that he is making the right choice by being one of them...

M was that machine I know.. in the old times M had the strangest ideas...Ideas that were never accepted by other machines.. They were always telling him that he is living in the land of dreams and he should be more realistic..he should join their path and be just like them because this is simply the right thing to do... M was never convinced... he thought that if his ideas lived through him..he will be very happy and he will be someone special...

At the beginning he ignored other machines ideas because he refused to be just another machine going on the normal way... he started to build his own land of dreams and have a different life...but it seems that ignoring the surroundings is not that easy... Other machines started to push him...they started to tell him that he is not joining them not because he want to but because he don't know how to be like them.. that was true actually...M always knows that he can't do or be like them because their life was so complicated to him..It was so intersecting and so full of details and complicated relations and he never learned to handle such complicated environment...he was living in the land where good means white and bad means black...he never considered the gray color...never considered that inside each of us this is the ultimate goodness and the ultimate evil and it's our morals that control how we use both...M was always a child living in the land of grown-ups and he never learned to be a grown-up like them..always looked to other machines that they are doing things not in his ability and he can never learn to do what they do...he never trusted his ability and never confessed that he may be like them one day...he was happy with the world he created to himself...

The sad thing is that M couldn't fight for too long.. Other machines couldn't handle him being so different and also felt that maybe what he is doing is wrong.. after all, it is hard to think that all these machines are wrong and he is right...and one day, he decided to join them...he thought of it as an adventure that maybe useful...In any of his steps, he was still believing that he is not like them and he will never be..he stepped into their world as the child who is stepping into his school for the first time...he was afraid -that feeling that never left him- and always looking at other machines as the machines who knows what to do...he never thought that he is the professional machine who knows what he is doing...he never thought that what he is doing is what should be done... he never felt that he is doing a good job...always felt that his work is missing something and always felt that other machines know more than him and can do better than him .. he never felt perfect in that world and never felt fit but he decided to take the adventure up till the end...

Each day he was getting busy more than the previous day and his dreams started to fade as time goes on..Not because he let them go but because he didn't have time even to think that they once existed...day by day he started to look just like them and he started to lose himself in the way...he started to lose everything that was different in him...he started to lose his world that he created..the world that he always felt perfect in forsake of the world of grown-ups...some times -rarely actually- he opens a window that leads him to his old world and look at it..but he don't have much time to think about what he looks and what he have missed...he just opens the window and close it fast before any of the other machines see him...

M started to feel empty. Just like me. So empty and started to lose passion in his words and his life...he started to miss simple things like the sun that he never had time to look to or enjoy...he thought that this is the moment where he will be a grown-up and where he will really fit to the machines world. M stopped for a moment. Although he didn't have time to stop for that moment but he decided that this is enough for him... he decided to pack and go back to his faded dreams trying to catch them before they completely disappear... he thought that the land of grown-ups have enough machines to keep it going without him -after all he wasn't perfect enough in it- but the land of dreams is only living because of him and without him it will disappear and he will never be able to catch it again...

M was so sad to leave the land of machines..after all, he knew some machines that he really loved and respected...he also learned from his trip that other machines are not so bad as he thought before...he found machines with heart and machines with morals.. he met machines that listened to him and respected him...some machines didn't get quite convinced of his ideas, however, they listened and they respected it. He knew that his trip will be unforgettable to him because he learned so much from them.

While leaving M thanked his friend machines hoping the best to them and hoping that their friendship will last forever and he went back to his land to save what is remained..

This was the story of M..luckily he found a happy ending to his life..he was brave to make that ending...I wonder...will any of us be strong to make that decision one day?? will we be able to fill that emptiness in our lives and days???

The butterfly effect

Have you ever thaught of the butterfly effect in your life??.. Don't worry, I will not assume that you know what does it mean... I will also be generous and save you the effort and time of searching and tell what wikipedia will tell you...



The "Butterfly effect" is an expression that is used to express how really tiny changes at any given time and place can produce a reallyyyy huge and dramatic effect at another time or place... They always give the example of a butterfly flapping wings that can produce a tornado some place else...It is part of the "Chaos Theory" if you ever heard about it... I don't believe in the "Chaos theory" because at some of its points it contradicts my beliefs but I found this "Butterfly effect" very interesting idea to think about....



Everyone of us has his decisions that act as his own butterfly effect in life...decisions that when taken changes everything after it... Maybe at the time we were taking these decisions, we didn't really consider how much will they affect our life after that...how these decisions will direct us to another path and another life...maybe better and maybe not...

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My father was graduated from faculty of science, special physics department. It has been always his dream.. He then started to work beside preparing his master degrees.. he was moving forward to get his masters then his phd. One day when he was going home after work he saw this paper hanging on the wall. They needed people in his specialization in the army. He never thaught of joining it at anyday of his life before that day. When I ask him today, he never finds a real answer why he decided that day to apply.. he just did it... he was always keen to try things. He was accepted and joined the army..His life was changed that day... Our life changed that day... From being a professor in college as he always planned he ended up to be a Brigadier in the Presidency of the republic (Ryaset Elgomhoreyya)...I keep on thinking how a hanging paper on the wall had this butterfly effect on our life...

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This is a story of a woman I know. She used to go to spend week ends and holidays at her uncles' home. He was so conservative in his life and he never allows women in the house to open the door for anyone when he is at home. Oneday, she was visiting him as usual, he was out and his two sons too, the door knocked and it was just her and her uncles' wife in the house. She went to open the door, it was some guy who was asking about her uncle. She told him that he is not here and that she don't know where will he come. But that guy kept on asking her many questions in a way that made her suspicious. So, she closed the door in his face. Somehow that guy liked her attitude and the next day he proposed to her. They are married now but they never thaught at any moment how was that simple action -Opening a door to a stranger and then closing it in his face :D- affected their life. She could've missed opening the door for any reason...don't you think that this is their butterfly flapping wings action??

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Many examples run in to my mind.. actually if you thaught of it, you will find that nearly everything you do in your life acts as you butterfly flapping wings effect...Maybe that's why I get terrified when I have to decide anything in my life.. any tiny little decision scares me to death and I always try to avoid it... because I know that the time I'm making the decision is the time I'm drawing a different path in my life... I always keep on thinking... am I really drawing now my right path??? am I making it right??? am I now making my wishes come true or I'm doing some silly mistake???..

The problem is that you will never know how good or bad your decision was... You will just take it wishing that you are doing the right thing...

Just wishing...