"Hard Times" is the name of one of the most popular novels written by Charles dickens. I never liked his works actually. He shocks you with the reality in his novels. He always gives me the impression that either I'm living in a dark world or in a world that is turning to be one.
But, to the say the truth. I like the titles of his novels. They always seem inspiring. Despite the content, the titles are always attracting to me. Sometimes I pick one of his writings and start reading just because the title seems too good to be left without knowing what is beside it.
I remember that I used to listen to that song. It was so good that I had that dream that I really need to see the movie for which that song was made. but when I saw it, I couldn't complete it to the end. Seems that I have a really strange taste because that movie was really popular. but I never liked it.
But anyway, I remembered Charles dickens because of the title: "Hard times". Because everyone of us has his own hard times. Scenes in your life that you always remember and you try hard to keep it in your memory. Times that are always kept stronger while other moments in life start to fade as time goes on.
About "Hard times" I'm talking today. Maybe because I think this is a good way of documenting them. Times that I don't like to forget. Although they are hard but they mean something. Without these times and these days I wouldn't be me. Good or bad, I owe these times the existence of me as I am.
*****
30 August, 2000
I am fifteen now and I am on my way to the airport to leave Dubai forever. I first went there when I was just a 4 years old little child. I never liked it in the beginning because I was so alone in a very strange environment. No friends, no common language, nothing that I'm familiar with.
But today is different. Today, and while the car is moving away from the place I used to live. I see these girls standing in front of the building. I see there picture getting smaller and smaller as the car moves. Those were the friends of my life. I knew them from the first month I came to this country and ever since we have been together. We made everything together, we ate, we played, we slept, we dreamed together and we grow up together. But now, now I have to leave all this behind and return.
I remember that once we heard that they are going to reconstruct the building the we are living in -we were neighbours- which means that each one of us will go to some place else. We started to make paintings on the wall describing our life here so that other people would know about us. What happened is that the building stayed and we were the ones who left.
There picture disappeared now.. I can see nothing but the street running as if it is afraid to be caught. Why time goes so fast when you just need it to freeze. but this is useless now. It is not just about them. It's about the place that connected us. The place that I used to have a life in. They always say that "to live is different than to have a life". I had a life in that place that I couldn't ever dream of. I cannot imagine that this place will never belong to me again. My room will never be mine. If I passed by this place one more time, I will never have the right to knock the door and enter because it will be someone Else's'
Now I reached the airport, and I'm stepping my last steps in this country. It's hard what travelling can do to people. You always feel divided. I never imagined my life away from Dubai. But in the same time I had this feeling towards my home land. That feeling that always comes to you in some special days and occasions. These days have another taste in your home land when you really need to be surrounded by your people. If I had the option, I will never be able to choose. I always felt that my home was divided to two equal splits, each part was thrown in some different place on earth.
Good for me that I was travelling alone, I wouldn't have had any explanation for the tears that are dropping from me like as if it is raining. Tears are relieving, I always believed in this but I don't like to cry in front of people. But today is different, today is and will be one of my hard times. Let the world feel it...
******
Too long post. If it was me who started reading it, I doubt that I would have finished it. As I said before, people enjoy talking about themselves. That's why blogs are every where. Each one thinks that he suffered too much and decides to write his experience so that everyone in the world would know about his victories not knowing that he is just an ordinary person who suffers like any other one, maybe less than any other one. Why would I be different??
Tuesday 16 October 2007
Sunday 22 July 2007
A whole new world
"A whole new world" is the name of the song in "Aladdin" Disney movie. It was sung when Jasmine tried the magical carpet for the first time and flied with it up to the clouds... she was very fascinated with the scenes so much that she started to sing that song... One of my favorite songs actually...
We all like from time to time to have our own special new world... To escape from the cold tough reality... away from this very complex world to another simple but beautiful one...but we are always back...It's just that we need these moments to recharge and be able to stand and face this world again...To continue our journey in peace....
The way of recharging is different from person to person... but it always gives the required results...
My grand father had many brothers and sisters... most of them died before him..Each time, when one of them pass away... after the funeral he used to go to the cinema to watch a movie... a very strange act... But somehow I can understand him... I myself uses the cinema as my gate to this other world...when you go there...and when the lights turn off...your troubles just seem so far away... so tiny to be noticed...you travel through place and time to another world... you live another problems that are solved at the end...that's the magic of it...
It doesn't really help...It doesn't give you a magical solution for your problem... But it definitely makes u stronger and more capable of dealing with these problems... It gives you a backdoor that you can always go to when your life gets harder...
Why I'm writing this... I don't know... When I was a little kid... We had a little brown spot on the ceiling of my grandmothers’ apartment... A tiny one... my old sister used to tell me that this spot is a way to another world...a happy world that has anything you desire...toys...chocolates..gardens with beautiful flowers...everything...when I asked here how can we enter it...she told me that I must have the key.... probably she was telling me so to encourage me to search for my closets key that I had lost... unfortunately, I never found it..
I got older...And she stopped telling me about that other world..But after that...each time I go to this apartment... I look to that spot and I think...could it be really a way to a whole new world???
We all like from time to time to have our own special new world... To escape from the cold tough reality... away from this very complex world to another simple but beautiful one...but we are always back...It's just that we need these moments to recharge and be able to stand and face this world again...To continue our journey in peace....
The way of recharging is different from person to person... but it always gives the required results...
My grand father had many brothers and sisters... most of them died before him..Each time, when one of them pass away... after the funeral he used to go to the cinema to watch a movie... a very strange act... But somehow I can understand him... I myself uses the cinema as my gate to this other world...when you go there...and when the lights turn off...your troubles just seem so far away... so tiny to be noticed...you travel through place and time to another world... you live another problems that are solved at the end...that's the magic of it...
It doesn't really help...It doesn't give you a magical solution for your problem... But it definitely makes u stronger and more capable of dealing with these problems... It gives you a backdoor that you can always go to when your life gets harder...
Why I'm writing this... I don't know... When I was a little kid... We had a little brown spot on the ceiling of my grandmothers’ apartment... A tiny one... my old sister used to tell me that this spot is a way to another world...a happy world that has anything you desire...toys...chocolates..gardens with beautiful flowers...everything...when I asked here how can we enter it...she told me that I must have the key.... probably she was telling me so to encourage me to search for my closets key that I had lost... unfortunately, I never found it..
I got older...And she stopped telling me about that other world..But after that...each time I go to this apartment... I look to that spot and I think...could it be really a way to a whole new world???
Sunday 6 May 2007
The happiest days in my life
"My graduation party is next wednesday... My graduation party is next wednesday... My graduation party is next wednesday... My graduation party is next wednesday"
I kept on telling myself this simple fact... A fact that I simply cannot believe.... you know these events that shine in your life.. events that you always remember.. always keep memories of.. you know.. events like you being born... your first steps... your first school.. your first day at college...definitly my graduation party is one of those events.. the sad thing is that it's not a "first" event.. instead.. it's a "last"...
I've always divided my significant moments in to two types....
"First" moments, which is the happy type of my memories.. it always refers to your first steps in whatever what... It's a new begining...always full of hope and great expectations...
"Last" moments are the sad ones... my last day in school.. last day before leaving my second home land.. and so on...
Generally.. I never liked parties... they always refer to a "last" event.. birthday parties shows the last day of a lost year... graduation parties is your last assemble as one group... when you find everyone smiling and telling you "Good bye" at the end.. at that time.. u know u will never see most of them again....
But anyway.. we all try to document our moments in everyway.. pictures.. videos... even the good memory you keep in your mind is a kind of documentation.. to remember this moment always as a happy one..
have you ever opened you albums.. looked in your pictures and thaught that "this was the happiest days of my life"... most probable you will be wrong... because at the time when u were taking these pictures... your feelings were different... we just remember from those pictures the smily faces looking at us... we never remember our real feelings then, which maybe totally different than what u see in the picture... do u remember your smiling face looking at the camera at your first day in school???... do u remember your feelings then???.... do u remember how afraid you was entering such a big world for the first time???... no... you just remember your happy face..
but you don't care so much... all what u care of is to just keep the good memory...
That's what I will try to do next wednesday.. I don't like parties.. yes.. I feel like my graduation party will be more like a goodbye party... this gives me a sad feeling...
But what I'm going to do is to just keep the good memories of that day so that maybe after ten or twenty years.. me too... open my album.. look at my graduation party pictures.. smile and say: " these were the happiest days in my life"... what do u think??
I kept on telling myself this simple fact... A fact that I simply cannot believe.... you know these events that shine in your life.. events that you always remember.. always keep memories of.. you know.. events like you being born... your first steps... your first school.. your first day at college...definitly my graduation party is one of those events.. the sad thing is that it's not a "first" event.. instead.. it's a "last"...
I've always divided my significant moments in to two types....
"First" moments, which is the happy type of my memories.. it always refers to your first steps in whatever what... It's a new begining...always full of hope and great expectations...
"Last" moments are the sad ones... my last day in school.. last day before leaving my second home land.. and so on...
Generally.. I never liked parties... they always refer to a "last" event.. birthday parties shows the last day of a lost year... graduation parties is your last assemble as one group... when you find everyone smiling and telling you "Good bye" at the end.. at that time.. u know u will never see most of them again....
But anyway.. we all try to document our moments in everyway.. pictures.. videos... even the good memory you keep in your mind is a kind of documentation.. to remember this moment always as a happy one..
have you ever opened you albums.. looked in your pictures and thaught that "this was the happiest days of my life"... most probable you will be wrong... because at the time when u were taking these pictures... your feelings were different... we just remember from those pictures the smily faces looking at us... we never remember our real feelings then, which maybe totally different than what u see in the picture... do u remember your smiling face looking at the camera at your first day in school???... do u remember your feelings then???.... do u remember how afraid you was entering such a big world for the first time???... no... you just remember your happy face..
but you don't care so much... all what u care of is to just keep the good memory...
That's what I will try to do next wednesday.. I don't like parties.. yes.. I feel like my graduation party will be more like a goodbye party... this gives me a sad feeling...
But what I'm going to do is to just keep the good memories of that day so that maybe after ten or twenty years.. me too... open my album.. look at my graduation party pictures.. smile and say: " these were the happiest days in my life"... what do u think??
Friday 9 March 2007
It's tea time!!!!!
One of my favourite moments when I was a child was when my mother come to me and say: "OK Sarah..It's tea time"..... well.. I don't like tea that much.. So... it's not about tea :D...
We used everyday -my mother and me- to have tea with each other... and during this time she talks to me about many things... literature... history.. art... every thing.. It was just like the bedtime stories for me... I loved those moments so much.. and I loved her way of trying to teach me something useful....
So.. Everyday, I spend it waiting for her to tell me those three magical words: "It's tea time"... The funny part is that sometimes there is no tea at all... Sometimes we drink juice or any other drink that makes us sit down for sometime... through time it turned out to be a password more than a description...
This tea time taught me many beautiful things... It made the world look wider and wider for me.. and thanks to this tea time I learned the most beautiful thing in this world... reading... I learned what does it mean to open a book and live inside it.. what does it mean to travel through place and time and go in some other new world.. discover it.. and come back... and I knew what does it mean to use these worlds as a comfort for you in your very hard times...
Time passed... and I became too busy with my stuff.. and mama became too busy with my little sister.. too many things have changed... one of them is the "tea time"... but I still remember it... and I still owe my precious mother this incredible time that I spent with her... I owe her this magical world that she gave to me and which I am still enjoying...
So..Don't you think it's time to let your kids have there own tea time?
We used everyday -my mother and me- to have tea with each other... and during this time she talks to me about many things... literature... history.. art... every thing.. It was just like the bedtime stories for me... I loved those moments so much.. and I loved her way of trying to teach me something useful....
So.. Everyday, I spend it waiting for her to tell me those three magical words: "It's tea time"... The funny part is that sometimes there is no tea at all... Sometimes we drink juice or any other drink that makes us sit down for sometime... through time it turned out to be a password more than a description...
This tea time taught me many beautiful things... It made the world look wider and wider for me.. and thanks to this tea time I learned the most beautiful thing in this world... reading... I learned what does it mean to open a book and live inside it.. what does it mean to travel through place and time and go in some other new world.. discover it.. and come back... and I knew what does it mean to use these worlds as a comfort for you in your very hard times...
Time passed... and I became too busy with my stuff.. and mama became too busy with my little sister.. too many things have changed... one of them is the "tea time"... but I still remember it... and I still owe my precious mother this incredible time that I spent with her... I owe her this magical world that she gave to me and which I am still enjoying...
So..Don't you think it's time to let your kids have there own tea time?
Friday 23 February 2007
To my sister... with love...
Six years ago, I never thought that one day I will sit and write such an article... I never imagined that I will talk about my sister as a dead person... who can?!!...
Six years ago I was some one like any other one... all I cared about at this time is how to pass my exams and get the results that make me go to the college I want...
Amina was my old sister... she was seven years older than me.. exactly seven years... because I was born at her birthday... She never liked that... And she always complained because she wanted to have a separate birthday than mine...her own birthday...
We were always fighting... I think this was kind of fun for us.. instead of being silent we fight... just to spend some time doing something... fighting for nothing actually...
She used to write poetry... I still have her notebook that she used to write in... She loved music... and we used to take music lessons with a teacher... Her piano is still there... but it is now covered with dust... I couldn't use it after her death... It is just there reminding me of her... she loved to play music everyday before she sleeps...
Her music was very beautiful... but she stopped playing music when she got sick...
Six years ago I never thought that my sister will die so soon.... I always thought of her like my protector... I always thought that in my dark hours she will be there for me... always... I never thought that she will need me some day... That it will be me who is supposed to protect her.. how hard was that...
Cancer is not like Egyptian TV shows... it is not a surgery that kills your sickness... It is a long story... a long long days of ups and downs.... it completely changes your life... It always reminds you that you are not really that far from death... you are so close...
The day of her funeral.. my friends were telling me that I didn't seem to be so sad... Actually... that day I never imagined that fact.. I never imagined that from now on.. her bed will always be empty... her pictures will be hidden so as not to let mama see it... that she will not ever have her own birthday... And that her music will stop forever...
I wonder... can she feel me now... can she know that I'm still thinking of her... That I'm still sad because she left... Can she know how much I needed her.. How much I still do... It is hard if she can't... because I realized that in her lifetime, I never told her that I loved her... never... I just wanted to tell her now...
After four years of your death.. I'm writing this for you sister... with love...
Six years ago I was some one like any other one... all I cared about at this time is how to pass my exams and get the results that make me go to the college I want...
Amina was my old sister... she was seven years older than me.. exactly seven years... because I was born at her birthday... She never liked that... And she always complained because she wanted to have a separate birthday than mine...her own birthday...
We were always fighting... I think this was kind of fun for us.. instead of being silent we fight... just to spend some time doing something... fighting for nothing actually...
She used to write poetry... I still have her notebook that she used to write in... She loved music... and we used to take music lessons with a teacher... Her piano is still there... but it is now covered with dust... I couldn't use it after her death... It is just there reminding me of her... she loved to play music everyday before she sleeps...
Her music was very beautiful... but she stopped playing music when she got sick...
Six years ago I never thought that my sister will die so soon.... I always thought of her like my protector... I always thought that in my dark hours she will be there for me... always... I never thought that she will need me some day... That it will be me who is supposed to protect her.. how hard was that...
Cancer is not like Egyptian TV shows... it is not a surgery that kills your sickness... It is a long story... a long long days of ups and downs.... it completely changes your life... It always reminds you that you are not really that far from death... you are so close...
The day of her funeral.. my friends were telling me that I didn't seem to be so sad... Actually... that day I never imagined that fact.. I never imagined that from now on.. her bed will always be empty... her pictures will be hidden so as not to let mama see it... that she will not ever have her own birthday... And that her music will stop forever...
I wonder... can she feel me now... can she know that I'm still thinking of her... That I'm still sad because she left... Can she know how much I needed her.. How much I still do... It is hard if she can't... because I realized that in her lifetime, I never told her that I loved her... never... I just wanted to tell her now...
After four years of your death.. I'm writing this for you sister... with love...
Tuesday 20 February 2007
Abdelwahab and me
كنت فى صمتك مرغم
كنت فى صبرك مكره
فتكلم...و تألم... و تعلم كيف تكره
عرضك الغالى على الظالم هان
و مشى العار اليه و اليك
أرضك الحرة غطاها الهوان
و طغى الظلم عليها و عليك
قدم الاجيال قربانا لعرضك
اجعل العمر سياجا حول ارضك
غضبة للعرض.. للارض... لنا
غضبة تبعث فينا مجدنا
و اذا ما هتف الهول بنا
فليقل كل فتى انى هنا.. انى هنا
أنا يا مصر فتاك
بدمى احمى حماك
و دمى ملء ثراك
بلدى لا عشت ان لم افتدى .. يومك الحر بيومى و غد
نازفا من دم اعدائك ما .. نزفوه من ابى او ولدى
اخذا حريتى من غاصبيها
سالبيها و بروحى افتديها
هات اذنيك معى و اسمع معى صيحة اليقظة تجتاح الجموع
صيحة شدت ظهور الركع و محت اصداؤها عار الخضوع
انت ان لم تتحرر بيدى يابلدى
فسأمضى اتحرر من قيود الجسد
لا ابالى الهول بل اعشقه
لا اباليه و ان مت صريعه
انه لو لم يكن اخلقه... لأرى فيه ضحايانا جميعا
فاحترم بالثأر ذكرى شهدائك.. بذلوا ارواحهم بذل السخى
و انتقم.. ان هنا اذكى دماء
و هنا امى ... و اختى ... و اخى
أنا يا مصر فتاك
بدمى احمى حماك
و دمى ملء ثراك
Have you listened to abdelwahhab before?... try this song... you will never regret...
Friday 16 February 2007
The begining
Why do people like to talk about themselves??.. I think this is human nature...recently I found that blogs became something like a hobby to many of my friends...So, I started to think.. why not???...
Some times you need to talk to somebody and say many useless things... this relieves you actually... but it is some times a burden on this somebody...after all... it is not his fault that you have problems...It is not his fault that you just want to talk...
Here I'm talking to somebody... somebody who may want me to continue... and may not... but in this case he will leave... and I will never know... people do not get hurt from something they don't know... do they?
Some times you need to talk to somebody and say many useless things... this relieves you actually... but it is some times a burden on this somebody...after all... it is not his fault that you have problems...It is not his fault that you just want to talk...
Here I'm talking to somebody... somebody who may want me to continue... and may not... but in this case he will leave... and I will never know... people do not get hurt from something they don't know... do they?
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